Being a mom has always been
on my heart. I guess you could say I am a natural nurturer. I don’t say this to
boast about myself, it’s just the way God made me. Some people are assertive,
some are talkers, prayer warriors, leaders, givers and so on. I like to
nurture. With that being said, I knew I wanted to be a mom very early on. In
fact, I remember my friends in high school joking I would be the first to be a
mom…..and honestly….I was ok with that…I wanted that. Due to circumstances out
of my control I wasn’t the first, but I’m so thankful that it eventually
happened.
During my late teen years,
and on into my twenties, I watched parents intently. I wanted to pull all the
“good” parenting and “bad” parenting together so I could create in my mind what
kind of parent I wanted to be. I didn’t live and breathe this idea every minute
of every day, but I just observed. When I saw a parent interacting with a child
I took mental notes. I would think to myself, I want to do things like that, or,
I definitely don’t want to do that. My list starting getting long, and
honestly, it became more of a judgment list. My thoughts turned to, I can’t
believe they do that….I will never do that. Well, I’ve learned quickly that
when being a parent the phrase “never say never” rings so true. I have done
MANY things I said I would never do. I’ve done things I once judged others for
doing. To live and learn would be an understatement.
I have a point to all
this….bare with me.
While there are things I said
I would never do, yet have, there are just some things that stand firm on my
list. Most of the things I refuse to do with my kids aren’t so much actions,
but words or phrases that hit my skin like nails on a chalkboard. No matter how
frustrated, hurt, tired or whatever negative feeling that comes with parenting
sometimes, you can’t take words back. I read a book once that talked about
words being like a tube of toothpaste. If you squeeze a bunch of toothpaste
out, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t get it back in. Words sting,
they hurt, they bury in our mind and heart, and they are the things we don’t
forget….they stick….sometimes forever.
A few days ago I said three
words I never wanted to say to any of my children. I’ve managed to not say them
for over three years, and then bam! As soon as it came out of my mouth I felt
that knot in my stomach. Let me explain. Years ago when the series John and
Kate Plus Eight started I was immediately hooked. I liked that show. I wasn’t a
parent yet, but enjoyed it a lot. Let’s face it….they weren’t perfect parents,
but honestly, who is? Something stuck out to me when watching all the chaos of
these two people trying to raise eight kids together. The dad “John” used a
phrase pretty often with his kids that rubbed me the wrong way. It sounded so
horrible to me…like walking by someone who curses and thinking, do they not
realize how ugly they sound? It was then I decided that I didn’t want to say
these three words that so quickly escaped my lips the other day.
Before I go on, and before
the hate mail starts flooding my inbox, let me be clear that I do not consider
myself a perfect parent. I do not think I have it all together and that
everyone should do parenting the way I do. What works for me may not work for
others. We are all different for a reason, and while these words bother me they
may not bother someone else at all…and that’s ok. This is a personal feeling I
have…..you don’t have to agree.
The phrase I’m talking about
is “I don’t care”. I NEVER want my kids to think I don’t care about them, or
their feelings. No, I’m not a push over. My kids are not allowed to do whatever
they want. My kids sit in time out, and cover your eyes….they even get spanked. It’s not about
making them like me all the time. I’m pretty sure I say the word no about a
hundred times a day. Sometimes I feel like all I say all day are more negative
words than positive. Don’t do this, don’t do that, that’s not ok, your being
ugly…..you get my drift. I don’t care is different…it’s a lie. I want to always
care, even in frustration. When I ask my son to clean his toys and he says he
doesn’t want to, I don’t want to say I don’t care…do it anyway. I do care that
he doesn’t want to do it. I don’t like cleaning my kitchen after cooking a big
meal. I’m tired. It doesn’t mean he gets away with not cleaning his toys; it
means I approach it differently.
I can say, “I understand you don’t want to clean your toys, but you don’t have
a choice. You made the mess and you have to clean it up.” It may take longer to
say, but I don’t feel like I’m just cutting him or his emotions off. He knows I
know how he feels. I confirm his feelings while still making him do what needs
to be done.
Honestly, I just don’t like
the phrase period. I feel like we use it too loosely as a society anyway. To
care is to be as Christ. I want that for my kids. When I pray over my kiddos
there are two things that are always included. I pray that my babies will grow
to know Christ, accept Him as their savior and commit to live their lives with
Him. The second is this…that they will be compassionate, loving and caring
individuals; that no matter who they become, they will carry these three traits
with them. To have compassion is to care. To love is to care. And, of course to
care is to, well, care for others no matter what.
So there you have it….agree
or not…I want my kids to know I care. I want them to care for others. I hope I
don’t hear them say these three words to others, but if they do I haven’t
failed….I’ve done my best…and my best is all I have.
